I am an inanimate object

I no longer read magazines in the bathroom. I hardly even take a good novel or textbook in there anymore. Usually it is my laptop that accompanies me to the shitter. We’ve been together about a little over a year. I hardly go a day without seeing it. We will be announcing our engagement any day. Then I will hold it on my lap and we will spoon and spoon like we have never spooned before.

I go to the drinking fountain. Salt water comes out. I ask a man why it tastes like that. He says, “They do it for real here.” Hmmm. That is an interesting take on water. I fill a bottle full of salt water. I tightly turn the cap closed. I will have to show this to someone. Someone will marvel at this. Perhaps the bank teller will. Yes, I am quite sure the bank will love this.

I go to the bank. The teller tells me to give them money. I say that I didn’t bring money and I just want to talk. The teller says there is no time to talk, there’s only so much sunlight. The teller gives me a pen to sign my paycheck that I usually bring on Fridays. It is Friday but I didn’t pick up my paycheck because I was excited about the salt water. I go across the street to the grocery store and buy tampons and condoms. As I am waiting in line I also decide to buy a gossip magazine and an eight-pack of store brand peanut butter cups.

But I don’t have money to pay for the peanut butter cups so I walk out of the store with the tampons, condoms, gossip magazine, and peanut butter cups. As I leave the store a man says, “Hey.” He wants to know where I am going. I tell him I don’t know. He says I have to pay for the items. I say I did.

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